I love you and goodbye

My world changed on April 30th. A call from my husband’s boss asking where Mark was had me heading to the house in a bit of a panic. The only thing I remember about the drive home was calling every phone number I had for Mark… repeatedly… begging him to please, please pick up the phone.

I found my husband in bed. The first thing I noticed was the blue tinge in his foot (the other was still under the covers), then no movement in his chest. I remember screaming his name. What? Did I think he would respond? I remember hitting the floor on my knees and reaching for his foot. It was so cold and more screams begging him to wake up. I had the hardest time calling 911. How could it be so difficult to dial three simple numbers? My hands were shaking so badly I had a hard time even seeing those stupid little numbers. I have no idea how the dispatcher could understand my words but that angel (I found out later that her name was Cheyenne) not only understood what I was saying, she became my only connection with this world. I saw nothing, only heard her voice calmly bringing reality back into focus. I wish I could say the rest of the night was a blur but every detail will remain forever etched in my memory and carved deeply in what is left of my heart.

The Medical Examiner said Mark had a massive cardiac episode. In less than a blink of an eye, he was gone. There wasn’t time or even the thought for him to call for help. How many of us hope this is how we will leave this earth? My “silver lining” in all this was that he didnt feel any pain. Selfishly though, I felt deprived. I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye or to tell him I love him or hear him say that to me before he left me. The last time I heard him say those precious words or felt his soft lips on mine was on April 29th (my father’s birthday) before I went to bed. How I wish I would have gone back for ONE more…

While I cannot HEAR him say it – I feel his love and I know he hears me… I love you Mark.

4 thoughts on “I love you and goodbye

  1. Wow! I witnessed pain firsthand as a fire dept Capt and EMT. I worked on patients, at times, trying desperately to save their lives as their family members cried and screamed for us to something…anything to bring them back. Your story is SO powerful and moving it takes me right back there and I hurt for you. I know Mark is at peace and I believe he is still with you, watching over you and waiting patiently for you to join him again someday (please don’t hurry). You’ve got friends and family here who love and need you. Time helps but doesn’t heal. Memories will sustain you, make you smile, make you cry but carry through until you join Mark again. Hugs Tina!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for sharing this Tina. I can feel your pain in the way you write. Real and raw. Beautiful. I am so sorry you had to go through this. Prayers and hugs my friend.

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