Ok. I am lonely.
It isn’t like I have lied to anyone… except myself.
Having been married to an extreme introvert, I learned that after spending a full day with people and their needs/wants, he needed that quiet time when he got home from work. By the time he came home to me, he was exhausted. I, on the other hand, am an introverted extravert. What in the world do I mean by that? I am an introvert to a point but extraverted because I get my energy from everyone around me. So by the time I came home, I needed to get rid of that energy. I learned quickly, that if I gave him time to recharge, I would get a chance to talk out the important events of the day or anything else we wanted to talk about. It worked for us for the most part. While our night time quiet became the norm, there was a comfort knowing he was sitting right beside me. I was never alone. I could look over at him and stare at him if I wanted. I could lie against him if I wanted, or if I could move a puppy away long enough to do so.
When the loneliness starts to overtake me, I have found it far too easy to drive a few miles down the road to the casino. One moment I am alone, as soon as I walk through those doors, I am surrounded by people, laughter, talking and the happy little bells and whistles! Constant noise! I can sit at one machine for hours as long as no one sits right next to me. If they do, I get up and move! Nothing there reminds me I am alone – unless I wander too closely to the buffet where Mark & I always had Thanksgiving dinner! *Disclaimer: I started with $100 and have not lost that $100 yet so I do not have a gambling problem. I have a loneliness problem.
With this all being said, I realize I don’t need to find a way to fill the lonely void. I have to find a way to become friends with it. I do have closets to clear out, floors to mop, cars and a tractor to sell, a yard to mow! Perhaps it is as easy as turning on the radio so there is noise around me all the time.
It just hit me… It isn’t JUST loneliness. It is being in the house without Mark.
I think I will hold on to my Players Card for just a little while longer…