Lately, life feels like I am walking on a tightrope.
Some days I don’t know if I am finding my balance, or if I am free falling from that very fine line or if I am frantically grasping to reach for that tiny wire to save my own life. There isn’t even that split second to see if there is a safety net. One moment I knew the safety net was there and I took it for grated. In the span of a heartbeat, that safety net has disappeared.
Ok, here I want to just leave it cryptic but… I promised myself to be honest. Brutally honest with my feelings. So onward I go… (big sigh) Before I go much further, I have some wonderful and encouraging people around me. They will never know how much they mean to me but I try to tell & show them. Like Becky who lets me ramble and lets me know she thinks I am holding it together nicely. Or Ashlee who laughed out loud when I told her about my response to someone who said “Tina you’re killing me”. Oh, you want to know what I said eh? Without hesitation, I said, “Yeah, that’s what Mark said, too.” Well, THEY didn’t think it was funny. I did (because I would have said that before he died AND because I needed to laugh) and Ashlee did! I am so grateful she didn’t have anything in her mouth but even more grateful she saw my need to share my stupid humor. Or or or… there are many of you out there and I am fairly certain you will be mentioned in a post before I am finished.
Mark wasn’t the safety net I am talking about here. The safety net in question is that comfortable feeling (for the most part) knowing there is something consistent, something you can trust in your life. Normalcy. Some people have that in their home life. Some people find it in church or their religion. Some people find it at work. The lucky ones, have a bit of them all at play. My place to hide is work. I don’t have to think about Mark, or what I need to do, or what I shouldn’t do, or what if what if what if.
I try to stay busy at work but more importantly, I TRY not to talk Mark or my situation. First let me say (as if you need to know this), my life has been turned on it’s tail. If losing Mark wasn’t enough, my family lost my cousin Bill a month and a day later, and then lost my dearest aunt a month and 4 days later. My world turned upside down and flipped around again and twirled around on it’s axis one more time. I don’t know how I am supposed to act/react. Does anyone know this? Do any two people handle it the same? I am trying to deal with it all with as much dignity as I can. Some days I feel like I am failing but I usually pull it off until I get in the car. I have some people at work who still don’t look me in the eye but for the most part, I think we have our comfortable common ground.
My safety net was yanked out from under me today with a thoughtless comment – “People around here don’t know how to talk to you since Mark died”. I have no response to that. I am lost and confused as to how that came out of their mouth. That same person said they understood the need to have a place to “stay busy” when life changing events occur. My head is spinning, my heart hurts and I cant fathom how someone could be so cruel.
So while I dangle with my fingertips holding on for dear life to that tightrope, I apologize for making anyone feel uncomfortable – that is not my intention. I do not talk about Mark unless someone asks me so please … don’t ask me if it makes you feel uncomfortable. And if you ask me, I will try so very hard to keep it short and simple and easy to understand.
As I peek below me, I see the wonderful people in my life moving together, arms outreached, preparing themselves to catch me if I fall and encouraging me to pull myself back up. I love you and thank you for reminding me the cliff is getting nearer and I will eventually be off this tightrope.
Until then, I have to embrace the silence and concentration needed to put one foot in front of the other.