Talking to my father

Papa… is this how it is going to be for me?

On this day for the past 12 years, I have an ache deep in my chest. The tears fall freely as I remember every single detail about that day. The smile you shared with us that morning when we walked back into the hospital, the last I love you I would ever hear from you, watching you trying to fill mom with all the love you had in you, seeing THAT moment when the angels were opening their arms to you and every moment in between. The laughter and joy follows with all the wonderful memories you shared with me. I cant imagine NOT thinking of how July 25th changed my world.

But it did in several ways didn’t it? You were tired and I can not deny I am so happy you have no more pain. So I do try to celebrate your freedom but my heart is selfish and I miss you so. But your death also pushed me forward didn’t it? One of those “in between moments”, you whispered to me “You deserve to be happy – I think that is Mark”. Some people wont understand that because Mark had not been in the picture for a long time yet you knew he still held a special part of my heart. YOU knew… and you gave me wings to fly back to him.

Now do I get to feel this pain on yet another day of the year? So every April 30, I know my heart is going to break all over? I know the answer is yes. It is different though dad…obviously, I loved him in a different way with a different part of my soul. Is it because of that or because it is still so fresh that it hurts this badly? Will it ease with each passing day, week, month, year? I cant imagine it will….

So tonight my dear Papa… thank you for letting me talk to you again. I know you are listening – I am beyond sure my peace lily will have a bloom in the morning! Thank you for those beautiful reassurances. I miss you…

I love you papa… I love you.

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