There are so many things running around in my mind… I cant seem to focus tonight. I make it sound like it is just tonight… it has been this entire week. I have flittered from one thought, one project, one tear to the next, trying to stay super busy.
I was… AM so afraid to face tomorrow.
My last blog spoke to milestones and a big one (the 2nd biggest) is looming less than 3 hours away. How am I going to face our anniversary without Mark? Mark always made this day special regardless of what we were going through at the time. WE always made sure the other KNEW we wanted to be married. The day was filled with “Hallmark moments”, cards filled with those “you are my world” sentiments that sometimes didn’t truly reflect all the other days in the year. Sometimes they did though… in fact, the odds were in our favor.
Mark was the best in picking out the most beautiful sentimental cards and almost always wrote a note that said just the right thing. He knew cards meant so much to me and he never failed with them. I have saved every card he ever gave me with the exception of our first valentines card which Reesie ate. Not long after Mark died, I pulled his cards out & read them all again. I am sure I will do that tomorrow night again – it is all I have now.
I wont pretend our marriage was perfect. There were times I wanted to walk away but my heart wouldn’t let me. There were times I am sure he wanted to give up, too. I am forever thankful he didn’t either. We hit a time when it was easier just to live… more like roommates than husband & wife. Short of Celtic Women concert on 8/8/10 (yes, our pre-marriage honeymoon), we never took a vacation together (who would take care of the dogs?). I hid myself in work, busy season gave me an excuse to stay away. Taking care of my mom when she needed someone, gave me an excuse. The sun was out, oops, there is an excuse. It wasn’t just staying away from the house (or out of the house), it was also how comfortable we fell in to that “if you’re not doing this, I wont do that”. I could go on but would rather share my last week or so with Mark…
The bottom truly was falling out from under us. We both were lost and angry, at each other and ourselves. We finally hit rock bottom and had that very hard conversation, the one that takes your breath away and makes your heart stop beating for fear of what will be said. We had to decide if we wanted to stay together, was our love enough? Would we be able to put away our hurt and anger and recommit to rebuilding our marriage? We knew it wasn’t going to be easy but we both agreed we couldn’t completely give up. We were close enough to that already. We both promised once again to love, honor, cherish. But even more, we promised to respect each other, to talk honestly with each other, to put the other first… from that day forward until…
So tomorrow, I will celebrate the love we had, the love we were willing to strengthen, the hope we had for far too short a time. I will get through our first anniversary without roses… but I will feel him with me and feel his love wrap around me when I falter.
Come celebrate with me Mark… I love & miss you so very much.