I don’t understand. I have had a few days of some spectacular events yet in the highest high, the tears find their way out.
Yesterday, I sold Mark’s snowplow truck and Yaris. Since these are part of the “estate”, I have to ensure I get the most I can, trying to get at least the value at “date of death”. Well, you know, it doesn’t matter what KBB says a vehicle is worth when KBB doesn’t take into consideration a trunk doesn’t open or the vehicle wont go more than 10mph. I didn’t think I would ever be able to sell them because of their condition. Carvana and CarMax (what a joke) offered me 200 AND I would have to drive to Wisconsin or Texas. Shoot, that just brought the vehicles down to 100. When Chris & Josh said they’d take them, I was overjoyed. I was relieved. Immediately, I was also feeling guilty. Doesn’t that sound silly?
Guilty because I found relief, happiness, shoot, even GREAT JOY in selling the vehicles. Great joy? What right do I have in feeling great joy in selling something that is … was truly such a big part of Mark and so many memories? How many times did he go out to plow just so I could get to work in the morning? What you don’t know is that Mark would often plow several times a night just to keep it “controllable”. Or he would get up at 3 or 4 in the morning to get it clear for me. I remember the first winter he had that plow. He couldn’t wait for the first snow. When it finally came, he made sure he plowed our road all the way in to Elberon. At about 3 am, I got a call saying he was stuck! So I bundled up in warm clothes and took his junk truck to help pull him out of a ditch. When we got home, we busted out laughing. This past winter, he was plowing Mike & Jan’s place and back right into the HUGE stone they have in their yard. Dented the truck but the stone survived without a scratch.
So before Josh drove it away, I ran my hand over that dent from the stone and the tears just came. It was a dent… just a dent. Why did it have that power over me? I go back to that guilt. Is it guilt because I am able to find happiness after Mark’s death? Is it guilt because I am selling off more and more of Mark? I shouldn’t feel guilt, I am doing what I HAVE to do to satisfy probate laws. Knowing that doesn’t help… maybe it will soon but right now… I miss seeing that truck and car in the driveway.
I know the good days are going to outnumber the bad as I go forward. I know I wont question joyful moments as often as time goes on. Until then, I just hope the people around me can “tolerate” the sudden tear intermixed with the laughter. Life does go on…