There is so much going on… I feel like I am being pulled, pushed, twisted. I think that is natural for anyone in my situation. Shoot, I bet most of us can say we feel that way at some point even without their spouse dying.
I will share the pulled, pushed, twisted on another day but, tonight, I feel like I need to talk this out.. ok, type it out. You can imagine my fingers are going a mile a minute and the tears are from anger and shame.
My magical words of advice … it is ok to get angry. Sometimes it is even healthy to get angry. But I have to remember to place the blame at the feet of who deserves the blame. What started all this? A stupid piece of carpet tile. Maybe I should have called this Anger and Honesty. How about Confessions of an Angry Widow? Oh I like that one but I am not going to make changes to what I have written. I am not trying to make this pretty, I am trying to be honest.
My house is a mess. OUCH, I cannot believe I said that. It has taken YEARS to make this. It has taken two people who buried their heads in the sand and simply ignored the accumulation of “stuff”. We have had 2 dogs forever and up to 7 cats and two people who didn’t care. Oh … I did laundry … Mark did dishes (every Saturday). After 4/15 every year, I would say I was going to do my “spring cleaning”. Yeah, I sprung right on out to my hammock and found peace. The nitty gritty – he didn’t so I didn’t so he didn’t. And then, Mark quit breathing. I was horrified that so many people had to come into my house. I had no choice – it wasn’t like I could bury my head in the sand any longer.
The night Mark died, as soon as everyone left me alone – suddenly completely alone, I started cleaning. Who am I kidding? No I didn’t. I started “picking up” because it was bad enough that was the only way to start. When I couldn’t sleep (which was usually), I would “pick up more”. Then I stopped… can I say it was because of grief? Sure I can! But it was not ONLY grief. Yes, I found that I needed to be away from the house. It was too quiet, it was too lonely. I used that as my reason… my excuse.
Tonight, after feeding the remaining 5 old cats, I sat down to eat my dinner (nope, still not cooking) and found one piece of carpet tile I missed pulling up this weekend. It didn’t stop there. I finally saw the enormity of the task at hand. And I am angry. SO VERY ANGRY that this house got to this condition.
Remember when I said, I have to place the blame where it belongs. I am not going to bad mouth Mark here. He had his part in it but I am going to accept the blame in his place. If I would have just made the effort to begin with, I am sure he would have helped. If I would have just STARTED, a little cleaning at a time would have alleviated everything I am facing now. A little effort, may have even lightened the stress Mark obviously felt. A little effort on my part just may have kept my husband alive. Or maybe not.
One thing is for sure… it is going to take more than a little effort right now.