I’m just a ghost in this house…

How does Alison Krauss do it? Certain songs hit in certain ways. Tonight, this song has been on a continuous loop in my head. So to start, I will share the lyrics (again, you should go listen!) It was written by Hugh Prestwood.

I don’t pick up the mail, I don’t pick up the phone
I don’t answer the door, I’d just as soon be alone
I don’t keep this place up, I just keep the lights down
I don’t live in these rooms, I just rattle around

I’m just a ghost in this house
I’m just a shadow upon these walls
As quietly as a mouse I haunt these halls
I’m just a whisper of smoke
I’m all that’s left of two hearts on fire
That once burned out of control
You took my body and soul
I’m just a ghost in this house

I don’t care if it rains, I don’t care if it’s clear
I don’t mind staying in, there’s another ghost here
He sits down in your chair and he shines with your light
And he lays down his head on your pillow at night

I’m just a ghost in this house
I’m just a shadow upon these walls
I’m living proof of the damage
Heartbreak does
I’m just a whisper of smoke
I’m all that’s left of two hearts on fire
That once burned out of control
And took my body and soul
I’m just a ghost in this house.

This is how I feel… like I am rattling around. I am fighting to try to capture motivation. Once I get home, I am alone. The silence is deafening. That is silly because I keep noise of one kind or another whispering around me. Its the radio or the television, the fan while I sleep, I talk to myself, I talk to the cats. Shoot, I even talk to the house. Maybe I talk to Mark, too even though I rarely call out his name … I am scared to do so.

I think I am afraid I will lose it if I do. I have been able to overload my mind with things that I need to focus on right now. The Estate, the house, work… yes, we are back in another busy season, moving, buying a house all on my own, oh there is just so much to think about. I really haven’t taken time to allow myself to acknowledge that stupid fact that Mark is not here with me.

I am dying here… I KNOW I need to get things boxed up but I just sit and look at it all. Time is flying by… I need to get busy. I cant say I don’t care, I DO care. I care about keeping Mark’s memory alive, letting our love hold the larger portion of my heart I care about continuing on in a way everyone would be proud of me,… Mark, Dad, me. But all the CARE in the world isn’t setting that fire under my butt.

Maybe I just need a good long cry. Just get it out. Scream, cry, cuss, whimper, whatever. Just let it go and accept that I am a ghost right now. That doesn’t mean I have to stay that way.

Sounds like a plan for tomorrow.

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