Softly I will leave you Softly For my heart would break If you should wake And see me go So I leave you Softly Long before you miss me Long before your arms can beg me stay For one more hour For one more day After all the years I can’t bare the tears To fall So softly, as I leave you there
Six months after Mark left me softly, I am about to take that first step that will take me away from the home Mark & I shared. I considered moving in to Cedar Rapids, trying not to make major changes too quickly. Anyone who knows where we lived, knows I could not take care of the acreage and would NEVER be able to plow myself out once the snow started flying. I looked at two houses that truly would have been perfect for me but couldnt stop crying a single moment in either of them.
After much time in prayer, begging for guidance, I made the decision not to put of what I knew I would end up doing. Makes no sense to move only to move again when the “dust settled”. In the matter of 3 days, I found a house I loved, figured out how I could make the move and realized it all put me in a position to be there for my mom – hard to imagine that was not in the forefront of my thoughts. The only thing now, was to find a job and tell my boss. Little did I know my boss would change my world AGAIN by immediately saying I could become a remote worker. I stress this is beyond my ability to comprehend. So any factors here have been influenced by a higher power… yes, GOD. For it all to fit perfectly… and suddenly… there is no other explanation.
Here I am…moving out! I moved two of Mark’s light dressers … funny story. I gave them to a friend but as I was pulling one of them down the stairs (my feet were solid and I did NOT miss a step), I swear I felt someone PUSH on the dresser causing me to take a stumble down the stairs head over.. well you know – with the dresser following me down. Yes, I am ok, I told Mark he didnt have to push me. You know me.. I have to find a giggle. The movers came last weekend and started that journey to warmer weather. The temperatures started to drop. Mark & I always kept it cold in our house so it wasnt bad until it dropped into the 30s. I turned on the heat only to find it wasnt working. Now I only have a few days remaining so I am NOT going to call someone to come fix it. Then it dropped into the 20s… I have no fewer than 7 heavy blankets on my bed now. Someone came over to look at some stuff I was selling – did I mention he is a heating & plumbing guy? 🙂 Well, it seems Mark turned the propane off at the tank so there was no propane to heat the house. I swear I heard him laugh that night. My last two nights in the house, I enjoyed a selfish 65 with only 2 blankets.
I share all this to let you all know that Mark is with me. He is still a trickster. As long as he doesnt jump out from behind a door I am ok with it all. But then wouldnt I love seeing him again? I made sure I got a copy of the answering machine recording of his voice before I lost it forever so I will be able to hear him for some time to come!
As I leave Iowa, I leave so much more than Mark and the memories (good & bad) we shared. I leave friends who will forever be a part of who I am and sure better come visit me!!! These friendships were strong and honest but sharing Mark’s death, they became stronger and more endearing. People I would never have leaned on before, were the very people holding me up at times. The tears I am shedding and will probably do so most of the drive, are not just for Mark they are for the loss of all the smiles I will not see regularly, for the laughter, for the hugs, for the jokes, and so many more things I can name …. The tears will be for you all…for my selfish need to keep you close to me. Please know, as Mark is, so will you be emblazoned on my heart, in my memories.
So today when I lock this door one more time and drive down this crappy gravel road, I will try to do it softly and with the greatest love & appreciation for what and WHO Iowa has given me.