So much has happened. To me. To the world. The world has changed for us all and yet, as I try again to go to sleep, my mind goes back to that one day last April.
I am trying very hard not to focus on the anniversary of Mark’s death. I try very hard to be positive for other people, help others, encourage others, to put others first. Yet, in the peaceful silence of the night, that sob always comes. It may only be one quiet gasp to get air- it may be a steady stream of tears that soak the pillowcase. Regardless, it comes to me nightly. I often think I am betraying Mark by not being able to overcome these feelings. Then again, I think I am betraying him by not talking about him more. I can’t find that happy medium. So tonight, I guess I am going to do both… talk about him and sob until I hopefully fall asleep. The dreams will come- both good and bad. Much like our life together was – good and bad. But it was together.
I had a dream a while back. Mark was knocking on my front door. When I answered & saw it was him, my knees buckled but he didn’t reach for me. As I looked up to him, he had tears in his eyes and he simply said “Do you want me to stay?” I couldnt say yes fast enough, “of course I want you to stay” and as I threw myself into his arms, he was gone.
I thought he would always know how much I needed and wanted him in my life. As I think back, I would have to understand how he may not have seen that. How often did other things seem to take priority? I could justify them. Work, mom’s cancer, a rare girls night out, mom’s fall, etc. Justification or not, I didnt show him HE was my priority.
There for a while, we were in a very dark place and it did feel like I wanted to be anywhere but there. The “I love you” was spoken but were they really felt (by either of us)? We played “husband & wife” but acted anything but. I know I hurt him at times but it was never on purpose or with intent. But I know I did. He went through a phase of shutting me out (2015-2016) and it was easier for me then to simply disengage. A lot of my facebook posts reflected the brokenness I felt. Things like “sometimes it is easier to walk away” or the like. Many of my friends knew I was breaking away emotionally. Knew Mark was as well. We suddenly found ourselves in more of a roommate type of life than a marriage – we lived like that for several years. I am so very thankful that Mark finally said something about it. How I wish he would have done it sooner or that I would have had the courage to do so. Less than two weeks after re-commiting ourselves to each other, promising to fight FOR US, I would lose him.
As I sit here thinking about what I was doing one year ago tonight… I wonder. While I know I at home with him, sitting on the couch watching something mindless on tv with him just an armlength away from me, did we talk or just watch tv? What did I make him for dinner that night? Did I lay my head on his lap and fall asleep with him twirling my hair in his fingers? Or were we both in our normal habit of getting on our computers for most of the night? I do know he was on his computer for a bit because he was working on a project for work. So most likely I did the same until I got tired and went to bed after kissing him good night. (God how I miss that soft simple kiss goodnight and the ever ready I love you that took on new meaning that last week or so). I took that night for granted just like so many others and would give everything I have to have that night back again. Not to have “one more day” but to truly show him how much I appreciate the space he occupied in my every part of my life. Just appreciate him. I know I didn’t do that enough in life.
I sometimes sit outside at night and watch the stars. I wonder if he can see me or hear me. I want to cry out to him, I want to whisper to him. I just want to talk to him again. So I do. I know he answers me in his way, sometimes it is obvious, sometimes I almost miss it. There are times I can feel him near me. There never times I feel completely alone. Tonight, he is with me…
Yes, my love, I want you to stay.